Parents: Time to put on your thinking cap.

Parent Check-in- getting clear about your intentions and thoughts

It helps for you and other decision makers to think through your thoughts, ideas, non-negotiable boundaries and emotions.  Being clear about your intentions is great for defusing detrimental emotions and can help you avoid putting too much weight on the outcome. If you have a spouse or ex-spouse, you might want to talk through some of these ideas after you have completed your individual check-ins. This is an opportunity to really tap into your true thoughts, beliefs and desires so that you don’t unknowingly send conflicting messages to your student.

The following 10 prompts can help with this process:

1.  Distance: How far can my student go from home?  How comfortable would I be with my student out of state, across country?  Is this just my parenting comfort zone? What are my concerns about the student being far from home?
2. Personal Standards: What are your personal minimum requirements for the college? Must it be a 4 year institution, single sex, private, public, nationally recognized, research based, etc?
3. Finances: What are my plans for financing the college experience?  Do I plan to use loans? Must the student work to help pay for the expenses? Are scholarships essential?
4. Our Time Together: What are my expectations for the student coming home for visits, holidays, and summers?
5. Personal Wisdom Factor: What were my college experiences?  What were the best parts and the parts I would like to forget?  What might I have done differently?
6. Perception: How emotionally tied am I to where my student goes to college? Is this about how others will judge me or is it about making the best choice for my student?  Be truly honest to yourself.
7. Footsteps: Do I expect (want) my kid to go to my alma mater or a family legacy college?  Why?
8. Field of Study: Do I have expectations of what my student will study and become?  If so, where does that expectation come from and why am I so invested in this choice?  Is it about me or about what they want to do?
9. Goals: What are my goals for my student going to college?  Am I realistic about their academic abilities so that I can help set them up for success?
10. Parent Participation: What is my role in the college application process?  Where can I bring the most value?

1. Send them a goodie bag that includes something that will countdown the days until they are done with finals. For this season of holiday finals, I usually send them an advent calendar but I have also done the old fashion paper chains with a link for each remaining day, or even inexpensive countdown clocks. Be sure to include snack foods that require little preparation but bring them some comfort. Hot Chocolate and homemade cookies are my kids favorites. Including an extra $20 bill is also a welcome rescue from the dwindling funds. I’ve even included ‘pin the tail’ on the donkey targets with a note to insert the name of their ‘less favorite’ professor or most dreaded class.

US Mail flat rate boxes are my go to for everything I send my kids. You can print the label with postage from home and the boxes are free at all post offices. I have a supply in my closet and it makes it very easy to send goodies to the kids. You just drop the prepaid labeled box at any post office counter (no need to stay in line) or give to your postman. (www.usps.com)

2. You may get what I nickname “911 calls”….the call when they tell you how much their life sucks and they just can’t imagine that it will ever get better. Listen and don’t panic. Just let them talk. Affirm that you love them and can’t wait for them to be home. Don’t try to fix their problems unless they ask for specific help. Usually, they just want to vent or do some recreational bitching and know that they are still loved.

3. Text or post on Facebook funny messages, meme or cartoons throughout finals week. For just a few, brief seconds it will relieve their stress and will also confirm that you love and are thinking of them and really understand what they are going through. Even a text wishing them luck on a final or “I believe in you” goes a long way in letting them know that they will survive. Google “finals week comics” for ideas.

4. If and when you do talk with them, build up what you are going to do once they get home. We make a big point that the family holidays are waiting to start until they are done with finals and home. That way they don’t feel like they are missing out on family stuff. It is already hard when roommates finish finals early or they see on Facebook that ‘everyone else’ is out and partying. They feel like the only one left studying, and with dorms empty, it can get very depressing.

5. By all means, do not tell them that it is their fault their life sucks. Do not preach that the reason they need to pull all nighters is because of too much fun and not enough study. The right time to have that discussion (and it should be done with a positive spin) is at the beginning of the next term. They know what they could have done differently and in most cases they are kicking themselves for that behavior.

6. Last but not least… To make you feel better and relieve your frustrations, you might make your own “I told them so” call to one of your buddies. Remember, as the parent of a college student, one of your most important responsibilities is being their cheer leader and soft landing spot during stressful times… that is particularly true during finals weeks. Do what you need to to make sure you stay in that space. Your next coaching opportunity will be when they are really to begin the next term.

For possible ideas of how to handle that next step click here.

How do you transition from a full house to empty house again?

I remember the day I first realized that I was empty nest.  You would think that it was after our last kid had moved on to college in August.  For some reason, that never occurred to me. Maybe it was because the kids had been coming and going with their busy schedules that I was no stranger to an empty house.   I remember feeling alone, the house being quiet, clean and the refrigerator remaining full.

I was excited to visit each of our college kids during their parent weekends which allowed us to travel to Tucson, Chicago and NYU in a very short period of time.  Still no conscious recognition that I was an empty nester.  I purged closets, cleaned out drawers, painted the baseboards and had lunch with friends.  My life was no less busy but I did notice that I watched the clock waiting for my husband to get home at night.

It was now November , still no self awareness of the empty nest even though our freshman was showing signs of  homesickness.  All three kids flew in for the Thanksgiving holiday at different times.  The first arrived on Monday night and the last arrived on Wednesday afternoon.  The house was once again ramped up to full of energy, laughter, chaos, dirty clothes and mess.  I couldn’t have been happier.

I remember entering the kitchen to find all three kids standing looking into an open refrigerator.  They were just staring into the refrigerator with big smiles on their face.  My inquiring mind wanted to know what they found so interesting.  They jokingly called it the Church of Frigidaire.  It had been summer since they had seen a refrigerator full of real food.  The two elder students were kidding their younger sister.  In previous years, she had told them they were crazy…but now she knew the beauty of real food and had joined their religious celebration.  After a moment of thankful prayer, they grabbed food and took off for opposite ends of the house.  Fortunately, I had spent the previous week baking and cooking some of their favorite go to foods.  I took satisfaction in their delight.

The rest of the weekend was a blur of laughter, cooking, storytelling, football games, Christmas decorating and of course laundry.  I felt whole.  I was a mother hen with her chicks and I felt needed and loved.

All too soon Sunday arrived and the kids packed to return to their respective universities across the nation.  It turns out that all of their flights left at approximately the same time so we would make only one trip to the airport.    The car was loaded with suitcases, care packages of food and three well feed and clean clothed kids.  I had made dozens of trips to the airport to drop off kids the past four years so I was on autopilot.  As the car came to a stop, the doors swung open and ALL THREE KIDS jumped out of the car, grabbed their suitcases, gave me a kiss, high fived each other and took off for their check-ins.

Wait, what had just happened?  Five minutes earlier we had been a family of 5 and now there were two parents standing by an empty car wondering what had just happened.  Tears filled our eyes; we closed the doors and drove off.  Not a word was said on the way home.  We entered the empty house to see the remnants of the Thanksgiving break  activities.   Slowly we began the clean up still not talking or looking at each other.

It was official, we were empty nesters and it didn’t feel so good at that point.  Monday morning would be even more difficult as my husband went back to work and the house was completely quiet and empty.  I spent the day licking my emotional wounds as I finished the clean up.  I knew that I needed a better plan for empty house syndrome.  I vowed that I would do things differently the next time this scenario occurred.

I came up with a plan.  I would have a special day planned for the first empty house day after a family gathering…especially when all the kids left at the same time.   I would treat that day as my own personal holiday where I rest, reflect, relish the memories and rejuvenate.  As a side note, I have found that it is a much easier adjustment if the kids leave at different times.

So for the last 3 years I have enjoyed amazing After Thanksgiving Empty House holidays.  As Thanksgiving is the beginning of the holiday season, last year I purchased tickets to Fioli’s Christmas Open House and Boutique for the following Monday.  I went with a friend to see the beautiful Fioli mansion decorated to the hilt and purchased some new Christmas decorations.

After a leisurely lunch, we headed back home.  I entered a clean, quiet home, brewed a cup of fresh tea, put on some Christmas music, started a fire and put my feet up.  I felt content, whole and at peace.  While I had enjoyed the most recent invasion of the kids for Thanksgiving vacation, I was glad to have my house back.  I was getting used to and enjoying the empty nest syndrome.  I realized that I loved both aspects of my life.  I loved the wild family times but I also appreciated my personal time and fulfilling my personal desires and dreams.

Empty nest is a wonderful time to get back to your life after so much dedication to your kids and their busy lives.   It isn’t the day to day empty nest that I find difficult.  It is the first empty house day  after a big family event that hits me in the gut.

How about you?  How do you feel when the kids leave after a family event.   Do you have a plan for your Personal After Thanksgiving Empty House holiday?  Please leave me a comment and let me know how you deal with empty nest.

Why would I need a coach?

The advice that sticks out I got from John Doerr, who in 2001 said, “My advice to you is to have a coach.” The coach he said I should have is Bill Campbell. I initially resented the advice, because after all, I was a CEO. I was pretty experienced. Why would I need a coach? Am I doing something wrong? My argument was, How could a coach advise me if I’m the best person in the world at this? But that’s not what a coach does. The coach doesn’t have to play the sport as well as you do. They have to watch you and get you to be your best. In the business context a coach is not a repetitious coach. A coach is somebody who looks at something with another set of eyes, describes it to you in [his] words, and discusses how to approach the problem.

Once I realized I could trust him and that he could help me with perspective, I decided this was a great idea. When there is [a] business conflict you tend to get rat-holed into it. [Bill's] general advice has been to rise one step higher, above the person on the other side of the table, and to take the long view. He’ll say, “You’re letting it bother you. Don’t.”

–Interview by Adam Lashinsky
CNN Money Series on Best Advice I Ever Got

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So here is what we have learned this past week:  Preparing for the storm or disaster is only the first step in the process.  The real trials are in the recovery and getting back to normal…or in her case a new normal.

The storm was nothing compared to the obstacles that she is facing this week.  NYU has done a wonderful job of communicating their emergency plans to the students and parents.  Unfortunately, power was lost to most of the cell towers in Manhattan so I often know more about NYU plans than my daughter.

NYU set up a shelter for their students with power, water, wifi and food.  That was where she headed the first day after the storm to connect, charge her electronics, post to Facebook, and grab some food.  She returned home to sleep at her darken apartment.  We didn’t count on the number of people who would choose to go home.  For instance, her roommates were able to go home after the storm so she was left by herself.  This is a safety concern.  She treks 9 flights of darken stairs.  I never thought that evil people would want to take advantage of that situation.  In fact, she has faced two threats during that process.  There are no streetlights.  It is very dark and the weather is turning cold.

Another learning lesson has been with length of recovery. She prepared for 4-5 days without power or water.  However, it is going to take a lot longer than we expected.  This has a sweeping effect.     For instance the dorms emergency lights and smoke alarm batteries ran out after three days so NYU needed to evacuate an additional 6000 students into the already crowded shelter.  Food lines are over 2 hours long.  Red Cross shelters are also overwhelmed.  Power is still another 4-5 days out.  Nothing is open to purchase food.

In retrospect, I wish we had pre-established a network of local friends/family that our daughter could contact.  It is likely that someone on the network would be less affected and she could huddle there.  Or, if they were are all in the same boat, they could have picked one place and stayed together for safety in numbers.

Facebook has been a wonderful tool for getting the word out.  It has been better than email as you are able to cover a lot of people with one easy update.  Texting is also vital although cell coverage has been spotty.   I wish I had reached out earlier on Facebook for friends of friends in the area.  Emergencies bring out the best in most people and others go out of their way to help people in need.  This type of networking is difficult to do after the fact.  Ideally, I would have anticipated this before the storm.

If we had the option, I would have picked up our daughter.  It would lessen the pressure on the emergency systems and given all of us peace of mind.

I am thinking that there will be one more step to this disaster plan.  Once school reconvenes, I think that the reality of the disruption will cause a lot of stress with the teachers and students.  It may be hard to get back on track with homework, classes and life.  Everyone will be retelling their survival tales. Midterms will not seem as important after surviving a hurricane and the afterlife.

That will be the next time to step in as a parent and help sort and prioritize all the tasks which have gotten dropped during this struggle.  Term papers will still be due and schools are not sure how they are going to handle catching up other than going through the material faster.  I want to keep the communication lines open and just listen to our daughter’s concerns and help when she asks.  That is the best thing we can do to help our college student now and always.

We are on day 4 of this journey.   Our daughter is still looking for a place to stay at night until her apartment has power.  Until then, she gets back home during daylight and bolts the doors.  I am so impressed with her strength and resiliency.  While she is anxious, she is stepping out of her comfort zone and asking strangers for help.  She will survive this ordeal and be a better woman because of it.

As a parent, it is a helpless feeling because there is little that you can do to help and protect your student.  All we can do is offer advice, remain positive and acknowledge how our daughter is handling the situation.  I know that we will also survive Hurricane Sandy although with a few more gray hairs and ….a little better prepared for the next disaster.

“Mrs. Lee, you don’t know me….

but I’m a friend of your daughter….

 We are at the hospital…….”

That is never what you want to hear when answering the phone. Especially when your daughter is attending college in another state. Fortunately, my daughter only suffered a broken hand while playing soccer and didn’t have her medical insurance information with her.  It was her first year at college and our first crisis.  What I realized then is your student’s health care is one of those college checklist items you need to discuss before  they leave for college. Specifically,

• Does your student
• have their medical insurance card
• know about their allergies to specific medicines reactions,
• know the status of their vaccinations
• other important medical info such as pre-med requirements

• Other things to consider:
• have they been to a doctor or a hospital on their own
• will they  know how to navigate the student health services especially the health center?

This is definitely something you want to discuss and perhaps dry run before they leave.

Unfortunately, my athletic college kids have had plenty of experience with hospitals which brings up another point.  My  son was so independent that I didn’t know he was hospitalized for a serious concussion until I received the bill in the mail. Furthermore, the only reason I knew was because he was on our health insurance.

Once your student is 18, you are entirely dependent on them to keep you in the loop.  Hospitals, colleges, student health centers and the like are not allowed by law to share any information with you. That includes their medical issues, the classes they are taking and the college grades.

So I recommend that you set expectations with your student on what information you expect them to share.  You need to declare what are your non-negotiables.  My new non-negotiable is that I want to know if my kid requires any emergency care…when it is happening not weeks later.  Fortunately, my kids have agreed to this non-negotiable but I have also agreed to not jump on a plane unless they ask.  It’s all part of the new rules of the relationship with your college student.

Parents: it is important to prepare your student for life without your guidance and be clear on where you want to be involved.

Students: knowing how to navigate the medical system will pay off when you are sick or need emergency care.  That is not when you want to learn.

For a free checklist of other college topics to discuss with your student,

 click here